And the future is a not-so-distant haze

Every second person I meet seems to gain some sort of sadistic pleasure by simply popping THE question at me- 'so, what do you want to do after 12th?' And I, being the unbelievably confused idiot I am, choose to do nothing more than just sit there, staring and blinking, as though someone has just asked me to name all the presidents in reverse order. Sheesh.

Yes, FYI alert, that is the most commonly asked question in my life. Fascinating, really. I feel like a princess/superstar. Or both. People are paying so much attention to me. All that's missing now is a tiara saying 'Help!' God.

And as if that one question is just not enough to send me into this whirlwind of confusion, this is quickly followed by, 'and which colleges are you planning to consider?' Enough to make me want to scream and say that I'd be honoured if any college considers me. No, the other way around simply does not work here.

Honestly, I've dreamt of being a writer ever since I was six years old. Most people say that as children, they wanted to be different things every day, but for me, this is the one thing that i was always sure of wanting. As I grew older and my horizons expanded, it moved on to 'a journalist who writes novels'. Even when everyone convinced me to do a professional course like engineering at the UG level, I was sure that after I got through with that it would be a straight road to journalism. It even sounded really nice, doing something totally professional and then writing for the rest of my life. I mean, what more could I want really?

I still want all of this, I'm sure it's the path I want to choose. But there's always this tiny thorn of doubt hiding somewhere, stopping me from saying this to anyone because of the secretive, startling unsurity of it all. Perhaps it's because I greatly doubt the credibility of my writing skills. Or perhaps I feel that people will think this sort of path is plain.. mental.

Talk about confusion.

Ten things you are expected to do on reaching 12th grade

1) Gain a brain capacity the size of Jupiter.

2) Magically regain all of the previous years' knowledge, in spite of just scraping through eleventh grade.

3) Make detailed colour-coded timetables with a study plan of 25 hours a day.

4) Complete all your assignments and keep your notebooks up to date.(How?)

5) Draw margins for every notebook and suddenly make your handwriting super neat.(I don't own a ruler...)

6) Not have fun. (But...)

7) Give your phone back to your parents. (*piercing death-like scream*)

8) Set (good) examples for your juniors. (Pah.)

9) Gain impeccable organisations skills and make sure time management is second nature to you.

10) STUDY. (Oh no.)

Paradise Found

He held his hand out to her, palm facing the shadowy sky, prompting her to hold it. Unwillingly, apprehensively, she linked her fingers through his. "Let me show you", he whispered.

And, oh, the beauty of the place. Rays of sunlight bounced back and forth, blinding her eyes in the most comforting manner. Each long stalk of grass glistened where it caught the light, with big, round dew drops peacefully resting on the tips. She looked up at the sky, vast, clear, and panoramic; a boundless blue canvas, seeming to end only where it met the ground, forming a spectacular horizon. A bed of bright red poppies could be seen not far off, embedded between rows of pink tulips, the colours of love and life intertwined, pulsating a feeling unlike any other. She could almost feel the happiness vibrating from each petal, large clusters of joy emanating from the buzzing of the bees, replacing what could have been a melancholy silence.

This was so unlike the war torn world she had left behind. She made no attempt to blink away the tears that brimmed her eyes. To think she had once felt that she would go all her life without seeing this sort of beauty. Now, after taking all of it in, she wondered how she could have possibly stayed so long without viewing the true colours of the world, the vibrancy only heard of, never seen or felt in so many, many years.

This, she realised, was true bliss. Ecstasy. Paradise. The true meaning of life.

On the cliff

She floats by, day and night
Long gown flowing, a magical white
Upon the cliff, in the silver moonlight,
Waiting, waiting, waiting...
Years have passed, since that day,
When the soldiers left, up from the bay,
Lingering on her lips were words she could not say,
Waiting, waiting, waiting...
Aboard that ship, her lover went,
To fight the bloody war, he was sent,
Leaving her behind, all alone,
Waiting, waiting, waiting...
On the cliff, she stays each night,
Long gown flowing, a magical white,
Sparkling eyes wide, in the pale moonlight,
Waiting, waiting, waiting...

Change.

Gandhiji said, "we must be the change we want to see." We all exist for a purpose, but one unanimous thing is how all of us want to see some change, of course, in different magnitudes. Whether it is a seemingly insignificant day-to-day change or a noble change of achieving world peace, we all want it.

What is frustrating is not being able to implement this change. There are things happening around the world, every second of every day, people dying, lying, cheating. And all we do is sit at home and hear about them. We may feel strongly and may want to do something to change the way things are, but circumstances prevent us from doing so. This is probably what is most frustrating. I mean, there's something there, something you feel strongly for, something you want to change to make the world a better place, something you desperately want to do- but- there's a downside- you just can't. It's there, within your grasp, you reach for it. You know catching it will make all the difference. But you just can't. Period.

That's the big question- why can't we? We have the resources, the power, the potential, the creativity, ideas and intellect- and complete willingness as well, the icing on the cake. We have everything but we simply do not put any of these into use. Why don't we? Why don't we cross every hurdle and bring down every barrier to achieve what we want to and implement change and make the world a better place?

No. No one is asking for a fairy tale world with princes who fight off evil dragons and live happily ever after. No. Just a good, sweet, happy place. A world full of trust, love and friendship. Something worth fighting for. Something worth living for.

At least for this, we have to, got to, must, make a change- put in every last molecule of effort to alter the very mindsets of people and make them see the good in everything. Change them. Change the world. For the better.

God

I've always had very mixed up views on the whole concept of god. My parents aren't the kind who force ideas down their kids' throats at age three. They let me free, left me to explore my own ideas. It doesn't help that I was close to nine years when I was first exposed to Indian culture, or that my grandfather is an atheist. This, if anything, has made me more confused about the existence of god/gods, according to Hindu beliefs; and the whole concept of religion as such.

Sometimes I feel that it would have been better if my parents had expressed their own views of God. My dad, who grew up in a hard core atheist family, acts like he has no views on the subject. My mum, who grew up in a slightly religious one, celebrates most festivals in front of the prayer room. My grandfather does all but scorn the very concept of prayers, only to leave me dumbfounded, unsure of the truth, of what to really believe.

This morning, I was talking to a friend of mine. She talked about her mom, and how she had visited so-and-so temples before our board exams, and the hundred-and-something temples her grandparents have visited. Usually, I have something to say for most debatable topics. I have pretty strong, if not slightly crazy opinions. But, surprisingly, I was pretty speechless, unaware of my own beliefs. I know super-religious people. I have an atheist in my own family. And then there are people like my dad, probably just as confused as I am, who refuse to form an opinion.

When I expressed to my parents that I'd much rather be an atheist than blindly follow our customs with no proof and without knowing why, I was met with spontaneous screaming from my mom, "don't form such opinions without understanding the whole concept of religion." But, the thing is, no one had ever bothered to tell me about the 'whole concept of religion'. Perhaps no one really knows. It's true. There IS no proof for so many many things. You can choose to believe whatever.

Undoubtedly, undeniably, I respect my religion. Though it still confuses me, I would never go against it. Even though I don't agree with some things put forth by Hinduism. Plus, in a country like India, religion is everything. How I wish that we lived in a world in which we could form our own, unique ideas and follow them, without having to worry about religious barriers. But, such a world is only a thing of my dreams. I can only hope that I come to terms with my own ideas, and learn to accept the ideas of people around me. Till then, I shall remain as confused as ever.

Ghost of the past

A shadow of the past,
She comes lightning fast,
Lingering near, forever here,
Threatening, yet dear.
Simply a step away,
Everyday, March or May,
Watching my every tone,
Leaving me, never alone.
Haunting me, day and night,
Brushing past me, always in sight.
She is there to remind me,
Reprimand me, while behind me,
My phantom, my ghost of the past.

Then, one day she disappeared,
Lost, again, never heard,
Vanished from the face of the earth,
Abandoning me of her mirth.
Never have I seen her again,
In sunshine, snow, or rain.
Truly, surely, she has gone,
Leaving me forever alone,
My phantom, my ghost of the past.