Holes.

These memories don't float by
Like they should.
They don't breeze past
Silently,
Neglectfully.
They are not nonchalant,
Not thoughtless in their presence.
Nor are they faint, unclear, or restrained.
Instead, they are explicit and tangible,
Distinct.
They manifest themselves in every possible way.
They make their mark.
And where they can't, where there's resistance,
They fight, plunge and make holes.
Deep, everlasting holes.
Perfectly round, perfectly hurtful.
And then the memories go away,
As though they never came, were never here.
But the holes,
They remain.

The Routine-less Existence

Not having a routine is really getting to me, more than anything else.

This is how a normal day goes over here:

Get up, at some time, any time really. As soon as you can. Which turns out to be pretty late, truth be told. Rush to class, if you want to. If you don't want to, it's perfectly alright. Just hit the snooze button and settle into another round of peaceful sleep.

But if you are sensible enough (or not so much, as some people might think) to push yourself to your lecture theater, well, good for you. It won't really make a difference though, as the probability of you sleeping in the lecture theater is very high. Most of the time, you have three hundred other equally sleepy engineering students for company. But as the days go on, you notice that the number decreases drastically. Some people think attending lectures is very old school. And then there are those who really are too cool for lectures, or so they think. Most of us are just too lazy, and the snooze button becomes out very purpose of existence.

Tutorials, on the other hand, NEED to be attended. You are Slacker if you don't. And with a round of Continuous assessments coming up, not attending could cause you real trouble. But really, how it's possible to attend an 8 am tutorial when you've hit the bed barely three hours ago, is a mystery.

And in between lectures(or lack of them rather), early tutorial classes, cans of ice lemon tea, sleepless nights, and SO much walking, you've got those large three letters looming in front of our eyes, all the time : ECA. In plural, that is. A part of you wants to join all the clubs that you can possibly get in to, be very involved in everything, and do things right. But slowly you begin to notice that a lack of routine can crush every intention of handling three ECAs, along with classes, assignments, social life (however non-existent it may be) and futile attempts at being cool.

Life goes on, and you soon forget what it's like to have a routine. And then one day it really gets to you, and you sit down and type out the story of your life, your sad, routineless existence.

Then you go to back sleep and miss your next lecture. And the one after that.

A New Beginning

Well. Here I am, 1800 miles away from home, in a dorm room. Hall fifteen, to be precise. Yes, college. It's strangely exhilarating. Or, rather, it was so, initially. I remember walking through the campus not three weeks ago, and feeling so many things at once. I was just so overwhelmed by the whole thing. It is, after all, a dream come true.

College is just so many things. There's just so much. Not just to do, but to get used to. And moving to a new country for college is definitely not easy. Especially if you're a slow adjuster like I am. I mean, college just makes you understand how big this world really is. It's totally out of your comfort zone, and you're no longer in this place where everyone knows you, knows all about you. In high school, you just feel more defined. You're THIS kind of person, with THESE friends, who's good at THIS, and who has THESE qualities. And you know that, everyone else knows that, everyone is happy and life goes on. But college is a completely different ball game. Unless you're someone who is really outgoing, or someone who's fortunate enough to have brought along a whole truck load of friends from back home, you end up feeling pretty lost.

Honestly, I'm still feeling quite lost. And seeing bunches of people around me who seem to have smoothly transitioned to this whole new life, while I still seem to be wandering helplessly, doesn't really help the cause. Yes, everyone is different, and some people just take their time (like moi), but sometimes you wish that things could just fall into place, and FAST. Once things do fall into place, everything is definitely going to seem much easier, much more comfortable and relaxed. If they do ever fall into place, that is!

I don't mean to rant about college. Honestly, I couldn't have hoped for a better university. Everything here is brilliant, definitely, undoubtedly. Maybe I'm just being too cynical. After all, it is my fault, for being so reserved and lost and all. But leaving SO much behind, back home, and coming here and feeling like you have nothing, can be quite shocking. It really gets to you. And you just end up wondering what on earth made you leave behind all those people you love.

And then you realise that it's okay, really. You might not have your old friends, but you can always make new ones. Even if you're someone like me, who takes eons to build relationships, it's okay. It will happen, eventually. College isn't just about making friends instantly, it's also about learning who the right kinds of friends are, and even if it takes a while, it will be worth it in the end, definitely. College is also about teaching yourself how to be independent. And SO many more things, really.

I guess you end up learning a lot along the way, and even if the initial few weeks are tough, things will fall into place, eventually. (Hopefully?)

I refuse to accept that I own a dying blog.

So there.

Hush

The soft and swift and reassuring wind,
The noiseless rustling of the leaves,
Can you hear the gentle patter of the rain,
The crunching of grass on a September's eve?

The mountain, roaring with a fierce might,
The waterfall gushing with haste,
Can you hear the guppies swimming through?
So many million sounds interlaced.

The shiny corn, sprouting up,
Silky and beautiful and new,
Can you see the pumpkin patch, so bright?
The endless colours and sights, so wonderfully subdued.

The pebbled path, leading through
The forest, grim and gray,
Can you see the top, the canopy,
Where the trees seem to sway?

The slow, light sound of your own breathing,
Of your laughter, tears and misery,
Can you hear the beating of your own heart,
Of your soul - everlasting, yet so temporary?