Perfection

I think I'm perfection-phobic. It scares me for some reason. I'm worried about being bored to death by a perfect life, a predictable future, and a predictable present. On the other hand, I'm also scared of too much drama, too many worries, too many questions. Contradictory, yes; but very true.
If only there was a balance between perfection and imperfection. The right amount of complications, a beautiful mess perhaps. That would be... truly perfect. 

That Fine Line

She was treading on a fine line here, a thread-thin rope. It was so easy to fall back into the mess that was, and easier still to get back out. Sadly, the choice wasn't in her hands. Perhaps the answer was in the sureness of her feet; their ability to balance and take a sure stance away from the line. However, she knew how clumsy she was. She might be meaning to take a large leap away from the line, and out of this mess, only to fall back into it with great force, dwelling deeper than she had ever been. It was a dangerously fine line, laced with confusion and doubt and so much possibility. Most importantly, it was saturated with that little thing called hope.

Change is constant

A wise person once said "there is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find ways in which you yourself have altered." As true as these words are, what happens when you experience something slightly different? What if, well, you have changed; but what if the place has, too? You come back to a place, expecting everything and everyone to have stayed the same, only to realize that things aren't as you left them. Everyone has moved on, and when you think about it, so have you.

The only thing left to do is to enjoy the little that you have left, before it too fades away with time.

Sometimes, I feel like I would take anything that you had to offer me. It seems like you have so much to offer to the world, but so little to offer to me. And I've been here with you for so long, while the rest of the world has just passed by, without giving you a second glance. It's odd, isn't it? I've been waiting so long to see just a speck of your soul. I've been an open book, while you've hidden every bit of yourself, ever so carefully. I'm not sure what you're waiting for, but I know it's not me.

Knowledge is Power

Or, is ignorance pure bliss? All of us want to selectively choose the information that we want to hear, and tune out the information that we're better off not knowing. Sadly, we're not blessed with this sort of choice. Sometimes, we never get to know things that we should rightfully know, things that we are better of knowing, knowledge that will make all the difference to our lives and for the better. Sometimes, we are cursed with the knowledge of things that we would have been happier never, ever knowing in our lifetime.
Choices. We have so few of them. The world is just thrust towards us whether we like it or not. And what are we left with? The power of not knowing which pieces of information we will end up with, and which pieces of information will get lost in the winds of time.
Maybe that's our choice. The choice of mystery, of adventure, of spontaneity. 

Purpose

I think I've been going through an aimless phase for quite a while now. December was supposed to help me figure everything out, but it's already half up and I'm no where closer to where I want to (or rather, need to) be. I've got my lists, I've got some ideas, I've got this horribly vague picture of where I'm heading. But it's so blurry that it might as well not exist. I worry myself; i'm worried for myself. I don't want to waste away, and I don't want things to end with me being as lost and confused as I feel at the moment. This can't be the way things are meant to be. There must be some point when everything is crystal clear, right? And truthfully, I'm not even asking for crystal clarity. Anywhere even halfway close will do for me.

"Steal a piece of time..."

A wise person once told me that making memories is the most important purpose of life. At that point, I was so caught up in this wise persons' words that I set out to achieve this one goal, while ignoring every other goal and purpose. And though this person was partly right, he was partly wrong as well. Memories are important, and we must do what we can to create as many as possible. However, this isn't the sole purpose of life. We have other purposes, other responsibilities. I think I've learned the hard way that we must learn to intertwine this objective of making memories with other objectives, in order to achieve what we truly want in life: happiness.

Creepiness

Does being possessive about someone show that you really care, or that you're really insecure? I feel that it could be either one of the two, and I'm not sure how to tell the difference. One can easily be mistaken for the other.
No matter which one it is, though, I think it's a quality that really needs to be toned down; reacting to something this sensitive can only lead to trouble. Yes, talk about it with the other person, but for the most part, it's safer to keep it inside your head and come to terms with it in your own time. 

Braveheart

Stories like LOTR and Harry Potter confuse me; I find it hard to fathom how someone would be so willing to die in order to save the world. I mean, it sounds really heroic, but it's just beyond me. It's different to, say, serve the army. But carrying the burden of the entire world and all it's people, like Frodo Baggins and Harry Potter, is an entirely different story.
Okay, yes, it's just a story at the end of the day. However, it manages to always create this surge of emotion in me, and the simple(?) question arises as to whether I could ever be brave enough to do something like that.

Granted

I feel like I take too many people in my life for granted. It's not conscious, no. But I know that I do it. Sadly, I realize much, much later and sometimes it's too late to undo the damage.
I just wish that I could realize before I take anyone for granted. But how do you do that, right? Most of life's decisions hit you much after you've made them; similarly, mistakes like taking people who care for you a lot, for granted, hit you much later too.
Perhaps one day, I wont be this... unconsciously indifferent. Perhaps one day, when I'll finally feel like a better person.

Eggnog

I'm not sure what it is about Christmas that instills such a strong spirit in me. The carols, the hats, the candy canes and the (hypothetical, in-my-head) snow all seem to play a part. It's so much fun to love Christmas; anything remotely related to the festive season manages to excite me, somehow.
My Christmas hat is my new best friend. I have every intention of walking everywhere with it perched on my head. My completely off-beat singing might be a slight issue when it comes to singing carols (with my hat on, of course!) but oh well. 'Tis, after all, the season to be jolly.

Grass

The lush, tall grass was the only thing around her, for miles and miles. Each blade pointed up towards the sky, and ended with a perfect dew drop that sparkled in the sunshine. The earth below her bare feet was soft and warm and ever so comforting. A slight breeze splattered drops of water on her face, and she smiled. She had no idea where she was, or how she had got here, but here, under the sun and entwined in grass, was where she belonged.

Two halves

The concept of soul mates intrigues me. I remember reading a Paulo Coelho book in which the author defines the idea of soul mates very clearly, stating that souls are split into two after reincarnation; over time, these two halves split further, and so on, until pieces of our soul are scattered all around the world. Thus, it is possible for us to have more than one soul mate.

I find this explanation very fascinating. I know it's horribly idealistic and practically unbelievable, but it's such a wonderful possibility. Though, honestly, I'm not sure if I even believe in the concept of a soul mate. Yes, there might be someone that you get along with extremely well, but that doesn't mean they're your soul mate, does it? There's no one who's perfect for you in every way. Even if there is someone who comes close, you may not fall in love with them. In fact, it's highly likely that you will fall in love with someone who is perfect for you in no way, at all.

But that's love, I guess. It makes no sense.

A Powerful Mind

How powerful is the subconscious mind? Is it possible to change things by will? It seems unnatural, even impossible, but I think I've experienced it, I think I know people who have. It's not one hundred percent foolproof, just like anything else in this world, but it's possible.
However, at the moment, I think my subconscious mind is non-existent. Or maybe it's buried in deep in the chaotic mess that is my mind. Everything seems to be very out of my hands. 

Our past is our present

I find it odd that some of the most brilliant minds in history displayed strong streaks of misogyny. Socrates, Freud, Kant. If a large part of philosophy was based on the notion that women are weak, need to be controlled and are incapable of learning, it's no wonder that it took three waves of feminism and so many other women's rights movements to get to where we are today. 

A Perfect Match

These visits to the seaside were becoming frequent events for her. There was something about the ocean that was strangely comforting. And off-late, it seemed to match her mood quite often. Sometimes, it was blissfully calm, and at other times it seemed to be floating in the moment, lingering leisurely, not afraid of all the time that was ticking on. Sometimes, it would lash against the shore, so horribly confused; the waves seemed to be screaming "should I come, or should I go?" Indecisive. Just like her.

Inspiration, or lack thereof

I think I’m horribly uninspired. Maybe it’s because I’ve stopped thinking. Does this even make me human anymore? More importantly, does this even make me, ME anymore?

I am re-reading Sophie’s world. I’m hoping that it will give me some answers. Or maybe I should stop waiting for answers to come to me. However, I don’t want to stop asking questions. I have, for the past year or so, and I don’t like this at all. Life’s been easier this way, undoubtedly, but what’s fun about easy right? Haha, I just realized how weird that sounds. Oh well.

The point is, this year really has been… uncomplicated, by my standards (SO FAR). It hasn’t been an easy year, no, but I’ve refused to let it get complicated because that’s not a path I want to go down again. But I think I eventually realized that being complicated is an inherent part of me. I mean, I’m not all for being one of those deep, brooding (wannabe intellectual?) writers, but maybe, just maybe, that’s what I am? Come to think of it, I don’t know what I am anymore. Perhaps I never did.

I am me. Let’s leave it at that for now.

The End is not near, it's Here

When I think of the end of the world, I honestly don’t freak out; not a bit. I don’t panic, I don’t worry, I don’t start with a spout of palpitations, nor do I experience an adrenaline rush. No horror nor excitement, no wonder regarding how or why it could happen. Nothing.

Selfish, maybe?

Not really.

The truth is, when the world ends, it is not as if the only people who will be gone are you, your parrot and your great-uncle Martin. It is not going to be just the annoying neighbor who loves Bon Jovi a little too much, or his dog who loves your cat’s tail inappropriately much. It is going to be all of us; every single one of us.

Which is perhaps why not feeling bad about this isn’t the most selfish thing to do. In reality, it doesn’t matter, because we’ll all be long gone, and there’s nothing we can do about it. This is not something that is our fault like global warming or the melting of ice caps; if Armageddon or 2012 are as real as people say, this “ending” is going to happen no matter what. The sad but real truth is there, right in front of us, mocking us, every second of every minute of every day.

Of course, being this neutral about it is probably exponentially stupid. After all, there is SO much I want to experience before being wiped off the face of the earth. With barely a couple of years left to achieve all of this, I really should be doing some major panicking; I should be putting together a disparate list of things to do before it’s too late. A part of me wants to do all those things; scuba diving, bungee jumping, writing a book, touching lives, falling in love, not tripping over flat ground, and so much more. However, these are not things that you just do off a list. Yes, you have to make them happen, but no, you cannot just set a deadline, like 21st December 2012.

Live in the moment; take every day as it comes. Don’t become a train wreck of worry, thinking about all the things you need to do before you’re wiped off. More importantly, don’t become too complacent with the assumption that you have your whole life in front of you to watch your favorite band play live, or to learn a sport you love, or to buy a golden retriever that you want to name Heinz for no apparent reason. Just go for it, embrace it. Embrace life.

20.

Older, but definitely not wiser. Or, maybe just a little bit. Nineteen things that I have learned this past year; may I never make these mistakes again. =D

1. Honesty doesn’t always work. It has the ability to create its own little mess.
2. Never assume that hairdressers know exactly what they are doing. Most of the time, they don’t, and the end result could be a thick carpet of your once-long hair.
3. Your entire belief system can come crashing down in exactly 3.5 seconds and one word.
4. Never walk into a bathroom when you’re sleep deprived. It might just be the wrong one. More importantly, don’t spend over 5 minutes staring blankly at your reflection. MOST importantly, when a boy walks in, run.
5. Secrets are never secrets. Tread carefully.
6. Your favourite green footwear can, and eventually will, get shredded into a million pieces.
7. Chocolate chip cookies can make you fat.er. Especially if you have one 12-piece packet a day, and selfishly offer your room-mate just one of these twelve.
8. University is not the breeze through you think it would be. Soon, you will realize how very disillusioned you were. You will also wish that you had stayed under this illusion for longer, possibly forever.
9. Curry flavoured noodles contain fish. They are not vegetarian. They never will be vegetarian.
10. One twenty minute episode of HIMYM/BBT/FRIENDS can lead to twenty more, closely following the first one.
11. Change really is the only thing that is constant.
12. You cannot survive on four hours of sleep. No matter what, you will end up either crashing and sleeping for 30 hours straight, or crashing and dying.
13. Take all the good advice you can get, but at the end of the day, make your own choices. No one is responsible for your life but you.
14. Cheap flip-flops + heavy rain = combination for a (falling) disaster.
15. Exams can, and will drive you crazy. Like, over the top insane. Mental hospital material. You get the drift.
16. Never say things when you’re mad. You’ll only say it all wrong, you’ll only make it all worse.
17. The library has the ability to literally freeze you. I could have sworn that my feet once turned into two large chunks of ice.
18. Be open to everything. Be open to the very concept of being open. You won’t get anywhere without this basic ideology.
19. Most importantly, be yourself. Stay true. There’s no other way to live.

From a Distance

A question from a friend (you know who you are!) urged me to go ahead and write a New Year's entry, despite my previous aversion to it. Who am I kidding, anyway? You can't change, erase or forget the past. Most of the time, it's right there, in your face, mocking you (also, possibly dancing to Waka Waka. And dancing very well to it, I might add.).

So do I rewind, or do I fast-forward? Or maybe just float around, in the moment? If there is one thing that I have learned this year, it is to take things as they come. Learn to live with whatever is thrown your way. Kafka's Metamorphosis taught me this much.

I could go on like this. There were so many lessons, so much to say. But I can't help but stop for a moment and wonder- why do I always focus on this tiny part of my life? I only end up taking into account a miniscule, insignificant fragment of the world, completely missing out on the bigger picture. It’s time to step back and really take a look around.

And then it hit me. Maybe this coming year should involve a little less selfishness. There is always someone who has it worse than you do, and as important as self-improvement is, there should definitely be a lot less wallowing and self-pity in the process.

I know people close to me who have survived cancer, who have been through extreme psychological breakdowns. People who live secret lives, and people who have lost it all. People who have lived through worse disappointments than I can ever imagine; people who have seen their whole lives crumbling down right in front of their eyes. People suffering from autism; people whose drunken husbands beat them up on a weekly basis. People who never had anything to begin with; people who have it all, but still can't find that silver lining.

All I'm trying to say is, it's important to be content. Whatever you are being put through now- well, the truth is, there could be something much worse coming your way. Prepare for it, and as crazy as this may sound, embrace it. It may change you in ways that you can never imagine.

To conclude, I would like to say that the Bubble Calendar is the best thing ever invented (Google, in case of any confusion). And here's something to think about- "When it's all said and done, would you have said more than you have done?" Also, am I becoming too preachy and repetitive? Happy New Year!