Somehow, exams always inspire me to write. Or maybe it's just my way of doing anything but studying. After last semester, I realized that I simply cannot afford to get stressed, because honestly, in the next four years, I would be going through Semester exams seven more times. If I lost my cool each time, the world would be left with a dying lady by the time I graduated.
Exam time in NTU is quite an affair. Everyone finds their "study spot", gets comfortable, and in less than a span of a week, make this spot their home. Students have a wide choice range - any place in the Spines, the umpteen reading rooms, or a random toilet. From toothbrush to extra underwear, soon, this spot has got it all.
However, not all students are open to this concept. Some of the less nomadic people decide that they do, in fact, need a bed to sleep on. This set of students are the Library People. A band of strong, valiant students who brave the long walk from the library to their rooms every night. Some fight for place in the Quiet Zone, despite the rather large, and slightly scary security guard who seems to assume that dropping a pen makes a thousand-decibel noise.
But, truly, after a few days, even the Library People get incredibly attached to their new homes. Personally, in the last few weeks, there seems to be nothing that I haven't done in the library. From watching episodes of FRIENDS ( laughter therapy, in my defense. To de-stress, see.), to giving out a high-pitched scream when poked in the back by a random passer-by (okay, not so random), I seem to have done it all.
Study sessions with fellow sufferers are quite amusing. The latest gossip is dutifully discussed, with "Oh my", and "Really?", being the most used punctuation. Lists are made: post-exam fun, inheritance lists (if the exams kill us), and back-up lists (with so much to study, we may never have time to meet The One). Facebook stalking becomes an hourly activity, and chocolate becomes a necessity.
And when we're not freezing in the ice-box that is the library, the benches outside are our refuge. Soulless and depressing as they are, the Library People aren't called brave for nothing.
So, I sign off, with frozen feet (the Hall 15 reading room has the ability to freeze anyone who dares to walk in), and a dead brain.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Nothing Changes
What difference does anything make if you can't change what you want to change about yourself, about the world? Care strongly for something crucial, something life-changing, or be fascinated by the trivialities of the world. It doesn't matter. You can silently live in this world of consumerism and materialism and nothing will be any different from living away from all the superficiality.
Maybe conformity is the only way.
Maybe conformity is the only way.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Hope, and some sea water.
She stood there and thought back - from where she had been then, to where she was now. Two years ago, she had stood at the same shore, heard the same waves lap fervently, and gazed at the same horizon.
Again, she was thinking of how so much had changed in such a short span of time. Maybe change really was the only constant thing in this world. Maybe destiny existed, and everything was just meant to be. She would never know- and though she did care, it didn't bother her much. No amount of analyzing would change anything, for better or for worse.
It was getting cold, the evening was progressing. But she had no intention of leaving her spot. She felt rooted to the ground. Somehow, it wasn't the helpless feeling that she had the last time she was here. Somehow, as she felt the cold breeze blowing her hair into her face, she felt hope. She felt at peace with herself, with the world. She felt that she had learnt so much, and had slowly, maybe even painfully, learnt that the only way to live was by accepting life as it comes.
Perfection is impossible to achieve, and inner demons are hard to kill. Last time, she was discontent. She wanted more, wanted her past back. She closed her eyes, and tried listening to the world. Now she knew for sure that she would never want the last two years, or in fact, any part of the last many, to be taken away from her - there had been struggles, there had been giving up. But nothing could teach her those same, hard lessons.
She had no regrets. Standing there that night felt so right. The place brought back so many memories, some sad, some happy. As before, she was lost in the moments that had passed, so long ago. But this time, the memories made her happy. Instead of feeling a loss for what was, what would never be again, she felt a strange happiness that, at least, they had once been, these things had once happened - such wonderful, beautiful things, at this very place, with the people she had loved but lost.
She opened her eyes and looked at the vast expanse of ocean. There was so much to look forward to, and it was only just beginning.
Again, she was thinking of how so much had changed in such a short span of time. Maybe change really was the only constant thing in this world. Maybe destiny existed, and everything was just meant to be. She would never know- and though she did care, it didn't bother her much. No amount of analyzing would change anything, for better or for worse.
It was getting cold, the evening was progressing. But she had no intention of leaving her spot. She felt rooted to the ground. Somehow, it wasn't the helpless feeling that she had the last time she was here. Somehow, as she felt the cold breeze blowing her hair into her face, she felt hope. She felt at peace with herself, with the world. She felt that she had learnt so much, and had slowly, maybe even painfully, learnt that the only way to live was by accepting life as it comes.
Perfection is impossible to achieve, and inner demons are hard to kill. Last time, she was discontent. She wanted more, wanted her past back. She closed her eyes, and tried listening to the world. Now she knew for sure that she would never want the last two years, or in fact, any part of the last many, to be taken away from her - there had been struggles, there had been giving up. But nothing could teach her those same, hard lessons.
She had no regrets. Standing there that night felt so right. The place brought back so many memories, some sad, some happy. As before, she was lost in the moments that had passed, so long ago. But this time, the memories made her happy. Instead of feeling a loss for what was, what would never be again, she felt a strange happiness that, at least, they had once been, these things had once happened - such wonderful, beautiful things, at this very place, with the people she had loved but lost.
She opened her eyes and looked at the vast expanse of ocean. There was so much to look forward to, and it was only just beginning.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Fragile Things
Sometimes, the fragility of this world scares me. In his book, Fragile Things, Neil Gaiman says, “People break so easily, and so do dreams and hearts.” This one line had me stunned for hours, not because of anything but the truth behind this simple statement. I look around, and there are days when everything confuses me. Why is the world made this way? Happiness, sorrow, it all seems so variable, so very fragile. Is there anything that’s constant, and most importantly, is there such a thing as true happiness? Is it really this hard to find a place where we truly belong?
I have always thought that people who have layers to themselves, depth of a different sort, are the ones who lead the most complicated lives. But recently, I was proven otherwise, only to realize that truly, we complicate our own lives, irrespective of what kind of people we are, irrespective of the various layers we may or may not possess.
The world is made in odd ways. We all let differences take over us; we remain biased no matter how much we have been exposed to, no matter how much of life we have seen. Most of the time, I feel that we might spend our whole lives trying to understand the workings of the world, the minds of people, and still fail miserably at it.
I remember having some wild, crazy dreams as a child. I was so sure I’d end up doing something revolutionary, out of the ordinary. There was so much in life that I was passionate about, and I was eager to turn this passion into something real. But, I think somewhere along the way, things drastically changed. Reality sunk in, and reality is the most complex thing I have ever come across. Issues like world peace and global warming still affect me greatly, but I know for a fact that as a kid, despite knowing much less than I do now, I felt more for these things than I probably ever shall in the future.
But life can’t just be about wasted hours and broken dreams. There has to be a deeper, better meaning to everything that we do, and more importantly, everything that we want to do.
We all dream of touching people; of not only changing our own lives, but also changing the lives of others, in some small way or the other. It's definitely not as easy as it sounds - not all of us can give memorable speeches like Martin Luther King, or selflessly help people like Mother Teresa. But no one said that we have to do something drastic - a small thought or gesture to the people we love most can mean so much, and can mark itself down in history in a smaller, but equally important way.
I think one of the hardest things in the world is regret. Personally, I don’t think that I’ve seen enough of life to fully understand what it is to deeply regret something. But recently, after watching a Swedish film, Wild Strawberries, I understood that it is never too late to undo the things you regret- your whole life may have rushed past you, and you may feel like it's too late to change your life, but the truth is, it's never too late to change yourself.
I guess this post is just a compilation of my thoughts and feelings, these past few weeks. All I’m trying to say is stop and look around once in a while. Try and understand the things around you. It’s a hard, almost impossible task, but every bit effort and thought that goes into it is worth it, because whether you find your answers or not, the feeling of trying is the most satisfying thing ever.
I have always thought that people who have layers to themselves, depth of a different sort, are the ones who lead the most complicated lives. But recently, I was proven otherwise, only to realize that truly, we complicate our own lives, irrespective of what kind of people we are, irrespective of the various layers we may or may not possess.
The world is made in odd ways. We all let differences take over us; we remain biased no matter how much we have been exposed to, no matter how much of life we have seen. Most of the time, I feel that we might spend our whole lives trying to understand the workings of the world, the minds of people, and still fail miserably at it.
I remember having some wild, crazy dreams as a child. I was so sure I’d end up doing something revolutionary, out of the ordinary. There was so much in life that I was passionate about, and I was eager to turn this passion into something real. But, I think somewhere along the way, things drastically changed. Reality sunk in, and reality is the most complex thing I have ever come across. Issues like world peace and global warming still affect me greatly, but I know for a fact that as a kid, despite knowing much less than I do now, I felt more for these things than I probably ever shall in the future.
But life can’t just be about wasted hours and broken dreams. There has to be a deeper, better meaning to everything that we do, and more importantly, everything that we want to do.
We all dream of touching people; of not only changing our own lives, but also changing the lives of others, in some small way or the other. It's definitely not as easy as it sounds - not all of us can give memorable speeches like Martin Luther King, or selflessly help people like Mother Teresa. But no one said that we have to do something drastic - a small thought or gesture to the people we love most can mean so much, and can mark itself down in history in a smaller, but equally important way.
I think one of the hardest things in the world is regret. Personally, I don’t think that I’ve seen enough of life to fully understand what it is to deeply regret something. But recently, after watching a Swedish film, Wild Strawberries, I understood that it is never too late to undo the things you regret- your whole life may have rushed past you, and you may feel like it's too late to change your life, but the truth is, it's never too late to change yourself.
I guess this post is just a compilation of my thoughts and feelings, these past few weeks. All I’m trying to say is stop and look around once in a while. Try and understand the things around you. It’s a hard, almost impossible task, but every bit effort and thought that goes into it is worth it, because whether you find your answers or not, the feeling of trying is the most satisfying thing ever.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Holes.
These memories don't float by
Like they should.
They don't breeze past
Silently,
Neglectfully.
They are not nonchalant,
Not thoughtless in their presence.
Nor are they faint, unclear, or restrained.
Instead, they are explicit and tangible,
Distinct.
They manifest themselves in every possible way.
They make their mark.
And where they can't, where there's resistance,
They fight, plunge and make holes.
Deep, everlasting holes.
Perfectly round, perfectly hurtful.
And then the memories go away,
As though they never came, were never here.
But the holes,
They remain.
Like they should.
They don't breeze past
Silently,
Neglectfully.
They are not nonchalant,
Not thoughtless in their presence.
Nor are they faint, unclear, or restrained.
Instead, they are explicit and tangible,
Distinct.
They manifest themselves in every possible way.
They make their mark.
And where they can't, where there's resistance,
They fight, plunge and make holes.
Deep, everlasting holes.
Perfectly round, perfectly hurtful.
And then the memories go away,
As though they never came, were never here.
But the holes,
They remain.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
The Routine-less Existence
Not having a routine is really getting to me, more than anything else.
This is how a normal day goes over here:
Get up, at some time, any time really. As soon as you can. Which turns out to be pretty late, truth be told. Rush to class, if you want to. If you don't want to, it's perfectly alright. Just hit the snooze button and settle into another round of peaceful sleep.
But if you are sensible enough (or not so much, as some people might think) to push yourself to your lecture theater, well, good for you. It won't really make a difference though, as the probability of you sleeping in the lecture theater is very high. Most of the time, you have three hundred other equally sleepy engineering students for company. But as the days go on, you notice that the number decreases drastically. Some people think attending lectures is very old school. And then there are those who really are too cool for lectures, or so they think. Most of us are just too lazy, and the snooze button becomes out very purpose of existence.
Tutorials, on the other hand, NEED to be attended. You are Slacker if you don't. And with a round of Continuous assessments coming up, not attending could cause you real trouble. But really, how it's possible to attend an 8 am tutorial when you've hit the bed barely three hours ago, is a mystery.
And in between lectures(or lack of them rather), early tutorial classes, cans of ice lemon tea, sleepless nights, and SO much walking, you've got those large three letters looming in front of our eyes, all the time : ECA. In plural, that is. A part of you wants to join all the clubs that you can possibly get in to, be very involved in everything, and do things right. But slowly you begin to notice that a lack of routine can crush every intention of handling three ECAs, along with classes, assignments, social life (however non-existent it may be) and futile attempts at being cool.
Life goes on, and you soon forget what it's like to have a routine. And then one day it really gets to you, and you sit down and type out the story of your life, your sad, routineless existence.
Then you go to back sleep and miss your next lecture. And the one after that.
This is how a normal day goes over here:
Get up, at some time, any time really. As soon as you can. Which turns out to be pretty late, truth be told. Rush to class, if you want to. If you don't want to, it's perfectly alright. Just hit the snooze button and settle into another round of peaceful sleep.
But if you are sensible enough (or not so much, as some people might think) to push yourself to your lecture theater, well, good for you. It won't really make a difference though, as the probability of you sleeping in the lecture theater is very high. Most of the time, you have three hundred other equally sleepy engineering students for company. But as the days go on, you notice that the number decreases drastically. Some people think attending lectures is very old school. And then there are those who really are too cool for lectures, or so they think. Most of us are just too lazy, and the snooze button becomes out very purpose of existence.
Tutorials, on the other hand, NEED to be attended. You are Slacker if you don't. And with a round of Continuous assessments coming up, not attending could cause you real trouble. But really, how it's possible to attend an 8 am tutorial when you've hit the bed barely three hours ago, is a mystery.
And in between lectures(or lack of them rather), early tutorial classes, cans of ice lemon tea, sleepless nights, and SO much walking, you've got those large three letters looming in front of our eyes, all the time : ECA. In plural, that is. A part of you wants to join all the clubs that you can possibly get in to, be very involved in everything, and do things right. But slowly you begin to notice that a lack of routine can crush every intention of handling three ECAs, along with classes, assignments, social life (however non-existent it may be) and futile attempts at being cool.
Life goes on, and you soon forget what it's like to have a routine. And then one day it really gets to you, and you sit down and type out the story of your life, your sad, routineless existence.
Then you go to back sleep and miss your next lecture. And the one after that.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
A New Beginning
Well. Here I am, 1800 miles away from home, in a dorm room. Hall fifteen, to be precise. Yes, college. It's strangely exhilarating. Or, rather, it was so, initially. I remember walking through the campus not three weeks ago, and feeling so many things at once. I was just so overwhelmed by the whole thing. It is, after all, a dream come true.
College is just so many things. There's just so much. Not just to do, but to get used to. And moving to a new country for college is definitely not easy. Especially if you're a slow adjuster like I am. I mean, college just makes you understand how big this world really is. It's totally out of your comfort zone, and you're no longer in this place where everyone knows you, knows all about you. In high school, you just feel more defined. You're THIS kind of person, with THESE friends, who's good at THIS, and who has THESE qualities. And you know that, everyone else knows that, everyone is happy and life goes on. But college is a completely different ball game. Unless you're someone who is really outgoing, or someone who's fortunate enough to have brought along a whole truck load of friends from back home, you end up feeling pretty lost.
Honestly, I'm still feeling quite lost. And seeing bunches of people around me who seem to have smoothly transitioned to this whole new life, while I still seem to be wandering helplessly, doesn't really help the cause. Yes, everyone is different, and some people just take their time (like moi), but sometimes you wish that things could just fall into place, and FAST. Once things do fall into place, everything is definitely going to seem much easier, much more comfortable and relaxed. If they do ever fall into place, that is!
I don't mean to rant about college. Honestly, I couldn't have hoped for a better university. Everything here is brilliant, definitely, undoubtedly. Maybe I'm just being too cynical. After all, it is my fault, for being so reserved and lost and all. But leaving SO much behind, back home, and coming here and feeling like you have nothing, can be quite shocking. It really gets to you. And you just end up wondering what on earth made you leave behind all those people you love.
And then you realise that it's okay, really. You might not have your old friends, but you can always make new ones. Even if you're someone like me, who takes eons to build relationships, it's okay. It will happen, eventually. College isn't just about making friends instantly, it's also about learning who the right kinds of friends are, and even if it takes a while, it will be worth it in the end, definitely. College is also about teaching yourself how to be independent. And SO many more things, really.
I guess you end up learning a lot along the way, and even if the initial few weeks are tough, things will fall into place, eventually. (Hopefully?)
College is just so many things. There's just so much. Not just to do, but to get used to. And moving to a new country for college is definitely not easy. Especially if you're a slow adjuster like I am. I mean, college just makes you understand how big this world really is. It's totally out of your comfort zone, and you're no longer in this place where everyone knows you, knows all about you. In high school, you just feel more defined. You're THIS kind of person, with THESE friends, who's good at THIS, and who has THESE qualities. And you know that, everyone else knows that, everyone is happy and life goes on. But college is a completely different ball game. Unless you're someone who is really outgoing, or someone who's fortunate enough to have brought along a whole truck load of friends from back home, you end up feeling pretty lost.
Honestly, I'm still feeling quite lost. And seeing bunches of people around me who seem to have smoothly transitioned to this whole new life, while I still seem to be wandering helplessly, doesn't really help the cause. Yes, everyone is different, and some people just take their time (like moi), but sometimes you wish that things could just fall into place, and FAST. Once things do fall into place, everything is definitely going to seem much easier, much more comfortable and relaxed. If they do ever fall into place, that is!
I don't mean to rant about college. Honestly, I couldn't have hoped for a better university. Everything here is brilliant, definitely, undoubtedly. Maybe I'm just being too cynical. After all, it is my fault, for being so reserved and lost and all. But leaving SO much behind, back home, and coming here and feeling like you have nothing, can be quite shocking. It really gets to you. And you just end up wondering what on earth made you leave behind all those people you love.
And then you realise that it's okay, really. You might not have your old friends, but you can always make new ones. Even if you're someone like me, who takes eons to build relationships, it's okay. It will happen, eventually. College isn't just about making friends instantly, it's also about learning who the right kinds of friends are, and even if it takes a while, it will be worth it in the end, definitely. College is also about teaching yourself how to be independent. And SO many more things, really.
I guess you end up learning a lot along the way, and even if the initial few weeks are tough, things will fall into place, eventually. (Hopefully?)
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