Inspiration, or lack thereof

I think I’m horribly uninspired. Maybe it’s because I’ve stopped thinking. Does this even make me human anymore? More importantly, does this even make me, ME anymore?

I am re-reading Sophie’s world. I’m hoping that it will give me some answers. Or maybe I should stop waiting for answers to come to me. However, I don’t want to stop asking questions. I have, for the past year or so, and I don’t like this at all. Life’s been easier this way, undoubtedly, but what’s fun about easy right? Haha, I just realized how weird that sounds. Oh well.

The point is, this year really has been… uncomplicated, by my standards (SO FAR). It hasn’t been an easy year, no, but I’ve refused to let it get complicated because that’s not a path I want to go down again. But I think I eventually realized that being complicated is an inherent part of me. I mean, I’m not all for being one of those deep, brooding (wannabe intellectual?) writers, but maybe, just maybe, that’s what I am? Come to think of it, I don’t know what I am anymore. Perhaps I never did.

I am me. Let’s leave it at that for now.

The End is not near, it's Here

When I think of the end of the world, I honestly don’t freak out; not a bit. I don’t panic, I don’t worry, I don’t start with a spout of palpitations, nor do I experience an adrenaline rush. No horror nor excitement, no wonder regarding how or why it could happen. Nothing.

Selfish, maybe?

Not really.

The truth is, when the world ends, it is not as if the only people who will be gone are you, your parrot and your great-uncle Martin. It is not going to be just the annoying neighbor who loves Bon Jovi a little too much, or his dog who loves your cat’s tail inappropriately much. It is going to be all of us; every single one of us.

Which is perhaps why not feeling bad about this isn’t the most selfish thing to do. In reality, it doesn’t matter, because we’ll all be long gone, and there’s nothing we can do about it. This is not something that is our fault like global warming or the melting of ice caps; if Armageddon or 2012 are as real as people say, this “ending” is going to happen no matter what. The sad but real truth is there, right in front of us, mocking us, every second of every minute of every day.

Of course, being this neutral about it is probably exponentially stupid. After all, there is SO much I want to experience before being wiped off the face of the earth. With barely a couple of years left to achieve all of this, I really should be doing some major panicking; I should be putting together a disparate list of things to do before it’s too late. A part of me wants to do all those things; scuba diving, bungee jumping, writing a book, touching lives, falling in love, not tripping over flat ground, and so much more. However, these are not things that you just do off a list. Yes, you have to make them happen, but no, you cannot just set a deadline, like 21st December 2012.

Live in the moment; take every day as it comes. Don’t become a train wreck of worry, thinking about all the things you need to do before you’re wiped off. More importantly, don’t become too complacent with the assumption that you have your whole life in front of you to watch your favorite band play live, or to learn a sport you love, or to buy a golden retriever that you want to name Heinz for no apparent reason. Just go for it, embrace it. Embrace life.

20.

Older, but definitely not wiser. Or, maybe just a little bit. Nineteen things that I have learned this past year; may I never make these mistakes again. =D

1. Honesty doesn’t always work. It has the ability to create its own little mess.
2. Never assume that hairdressers know exactly what they are doing. Most of the time, they don’t, and the end result could be a thick carpet of your once-long hair.
3. Your entire belief system can come crashing down in exactly 3.5 seconds and one word.
4. Never walk into a bathroom when you’re sleep deprived. It might just be the wrong one. More importantly, don’t spend over 5 minutes staring blankly at your reflection. MOST importantly, when a boy walks in, run.
5. Secrets are never secrets. Tread carefully.
6. Your favourite green footwear can, and eventually will, get shredded into a million pieces.
7. Chocolate chip cookies can make you fat.er. Especially if you have one 12-piece packet a day, and selfishly offer your room-mate just one of these twelve.
8. University is not the breeze through you think it would be. Soon, you will realize how very disillusioned you were. You will also wish that you had stayed under this illusion for longer, possibly forever.
9. Curry flavoured noodles contain fish. They are not vegetarian. They never will be vegetarian.
10. One twenty minute episode of HIMYM/BBT/FRIENDS can lead to twenty more, closely following the first one.
11. Change really is the only thing that is constant.
12. You cannot survive on four hours of sleep. No matter what, you will end up either crashing and sleeping for 30 hours straight, or crashing and dying.
13. Take all the good advice you can get, but at the end of the day, make your own choices. No one is responsible for your life but you.
14. Cheap flip-flops + heavy rain = combination for a (falling) disaster.
15. Exams can, and will drive you crazy. Like, over the top insane. Mental hospital material. You get the drift.
16. Never say things when you’re mad. You’ll only say it all wrong, you’ll only make it all worse.
17. The library has the ability to literally freeze you. I could have sworn that my feet once turned into two large chunks of ice.
18. Be open to everything. Be open to the very concept of being open. You won’t get anywhere without this basic ideology.
19. Most importantly, be yourself. Stay true. There’s no other way to live.

From a Distance

A question from a friend (you know who you are!) urged me to go ahead and write a New Year's entry, despite my previous aversion to it. Who am I kidding, anyway? You can't change, erase or forget the past. Most of the time, it's right there, in your face, mocking you (also, possibly dancing to Waka Waka. And dancing very well to it, I might add.).

So do I rewind, or do I fast-forward? Or maybe just float around, in the moment? If there is one thing that I have learned this year, it is to take things as they come. Learn to live with whatever is thrown your way. Kafka's Metamorphosis taught me this much.

I could go on like this. There were so many lessons, so much to say. But I can't help but stop for a moment and wonder- why do I always focus on this tiny part of my life? I only end up taking into account a miniscule, insignificant fragment of the world, completely missing out on the bigger picture. It’s time to step back and really take a look around.

And then it hit me. Maybe this coming year should involve a little less selfishness. There is always someone who has it worse than you do, and as important as self-improvement is, there should definitely be a lot less wallowing and self-pity in the process.

I know people close to me who have survived cancer, who have been through extreme psychological breakdowns. People who live secret lives, and people who have lost it all. People who have lived through worse disappointments than I can ever imagine; people who have seen their whole lives crumbling down right in front of their eyes. People suffering from autism; people whose drunken husbands beat them up on a weekly basis. People who never had anything to begin with; people who have it all, but still can't find that silver lining.

All I'm trying to say is, it's important to be content. Whatever you are being put through now- well, the truth is, there could be something much worse coming your way. Prepare for it, and as crazy as this may sound, embrace it. It may change you in ways that you can never imagine.

To conclude, I would like to say that the Bubble Calendar is the best thing ever invented (Google, in case of any confusion). And here's something to think about- "When it's all said and done, would you have said more than you have done?" Also, am I becoming too preachy and repetitive? Happy New Year!

Flawed.

Semester wise epiphanies seem to be becoming more of a trend for me. I spend an entire week having vague and varied revelations about everything from Donald Duck’s pant-less existence to the presence of an excessive amount of green in my room. But overanalyse I do, and the end result is a long, endless rant, and sharp evidence of little or no progress in the studying area.

I have come to the recent conclusion that University life is all about mistakes. I’m pretty sure that I did not make even ONE correct, useful, right decision in the last three semesters. I’m not saying that I regret all of it. But wise choices have failed me ever since I first stepped into my dorm room last year.

Maybe that’s the point of college. If you make all the right decisions... well, perfection, unflawed as it is, has no scope for inadequacy of any sort. And with no imperfection, all that you have to look back on are boundless green pastures of happiness- which sounds like a good thing, but let's say that I've been there, done that- and truthfully, these green pastures can get boring. Besides, they don’t last forever, and sooner or later the storm comes. But, however scary the storm may be, when you live through it and look back at it, more than the noise, more than all the thunder and lightning and cold, you see yourself surviving. Most importantly, you see the rainbow after it’s passed.

I don’t intend to sound preachy with this, but what I’m trying to say is- make mistakes. Make lots of them, and don’t be scared to make a single one of them. It’s alright to make stupid decisions, and sometimes being embarrassed isn’t such a bad thing- even if your Diwali outfit makes you look like an oversized pumpkin with a dark blob for a face, and makes you feel big enough for Cinderella to ride home in after her magical night; even if you spend three hours enjoying the latest Harry Potter film on the cusp of a week of tests; even if you write five-hundred words of confusion right before your exams.

Give yourself a chance to trip and fall- metaphorically, of course. You don't want to end up with four pairs of torn jeans like I have. But that's another story.

And it's that time of the Semester again.

Somehow, exams always inspire me to write. Or maybe it's just my way of doing anything but studying. After last semester, I realized that I simply cannot afford to get stressed, because honestly, in the next four years, I would be going through Semester exams seven more times. If I lost my cool each time, the world would be left with a dying lady by the time I graduated.

Exam time in NTU is quite an affair. Everyone finds their "study spot", gets comfortable, and in less than a span of a week, make this spot their home. Students have a wide choice range - any place in the Spines, the umpteen reading rooms, or a random toilet. From toothbrush to extra underwear, soon, this spot has got it all.

However, not all students are open to this concept. Some of the less nomadic people decide that they do, in fact, need a bed to sleep on. This set of students are the Library People. A band of strong, valiant students who brave the long walk from the library to their rooms every night. Some fight for place in the Quiet Zone, despite the rather large, and slightly scary security guard who seems to assume that dropping a pen makes a thousand-decibel noise.

But, truly, after a few days, even the Library People get incredibly attached to their new homes. Personally, in the last few weeks, there seems to be nothing that I haven't done in the library. From watching episodes of FRIENDS ( laughter therapy, in my defense. To de-stress, see.), to giving out a high-pitched scream when poked in the back by a random passer-by (okay, not so random), I seem to have done it all.

Study sessions with fellow sufferers are quite amusing. The latest gossip is dutifully discussed, with "Oh my", and "Really?", being the most used punctuation. Lists are made: post-exam fun, inheritance lists (if the exams kill us), and back-up lists (with so much to study, we may never have time to meet The One). Facebook stalking becomes an hourly activity, and chocolate becomes a necessity.

And when we're not freezing in the ice-box that is the library, the benches outside are our refuge. Soulless and depressing as they are, the Library People aren't called brave for nothing.

So, I sign off, with frozen feet (the Hall 15 reading room has the ability to freeze anyone who dares to walk in), and a dead brain.

Nothing Changes

What difference does anything make if you can't change what you want to change about yourself, about the world? Care strongly for something crucial, something life-changing, or be fascinated by the trivialities of the world. It doesn't matter. You can silently live in this world of consumerism and materialism and nothing will be any different from living away from all the superficiality.
Maybe conformity is the only way.